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Practice makes “perfect”

September 16, 2009

One of the things which has fed my dysfunctional relationship with Ed has been my extreme determination on maintaining a strict daily regimen. Day after day I perform certain “rituals” which occur like clockwork at a specific time. One of my greatest struggles thus far has been my desire to strictly adhere to that regimen. In order for me to truly begin recognition of my fight it is pertinent that I acknowledge the regimen which rules each minute and thought of my day.

without further ado … a day in my fight …

6:35 am – It’s early and I am exhausted. I wake up every morning feeling as though my mind has been running overtime for 72 hours straight. I manage 8 full hours of shut eye a night but it never feels like enough. I press snooze but lay awake anticipating the alarm 5 minutes later.

6:40 am – Duke is half awake now too. He heard the alarm the first time and knows that his morning walk is near. I drag myself out of the comfort of my warm bed, change into my lounge clothes, grab Duke’s leash off the hook by the front door and take one final longing look at Coach wishing I could sleep snuggled up next to him for an extra 30 minutes. I don’t want to go for a long walk right now. I make the excuse that

“Duke would be miserable without this morning walk. How could I take that away from him”

And besides … who can resist a look like that!

Duke

… but in all actuality I only rise with the sun to burn off those extra 95 calories.

7:15 am – We return from our brisk walk and I feel like I just ran a marathon. I used to be able to lace up my shoes and jog a simple 6 miles. Although that time was  only 1 year ago the fatigue I feel from my daily routine makes my “running days” feel like a   distant   memory.

8:00 am – Showered and ready to go I gather up the last of my clothes for work and stuff them into my backpack. I’ve been up for an hour and a half, walked 2 miles, showered and gotten ready and still haven’t had a thing to eat or drink. Coach grabs his keys off the counter, kisses me goodbye and hops in the car for work. “I’d KILL to drive to work” I say out loud to myself … my mode of transportation however?? …

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8:13 am – It’s windy, and I am cold. And when I say cold, I mean FREEZING.

In the past year a strange phenomenon has occurred and my skin is essentially tissue paper thin. I am ALWAYS freezing. I probably look like a fool in my sweatpants, long sleeve t-shirt, fleece zipped up to my ears and mittens on my hands biking down the street in the blazing California sun in August. Yet, when I stop at a traffic light I notice my fingers are in their first stages of hypothermia. No matter what the temperature is outside this happens on a daily basis.

First my fingers and toes loose all sensation and turn a stark white. After a few minutes of white they turn a deep blue/purple before becoming fire engine red as they re-heat.

Each rotation of my pedals is strenuous but as I chain my bike up in the office parking structure and I think about the 140 calories I burned en route I smile to myself.

8:45 am – I am finally changed into office appropriate attire, have brewed my extra large mug of coffee (with FIVE packets of Splenda), emptied my portion controlled Ziploc of dry Cheerios (100 calories) on to my plate and have settled at my desk for breakfast.

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12:00 pm – I’ve been thinking about food each minute since I finished my Cheerios this morning. The thought of food is constantly on my mind. I have over 150 food blogs in my Google Reader and hundreds of starred recipes waiting to be cooked and baked.

Doughnuts. Baked Penne. Red Velvet Cake.

My mouth waters all day, dreaming of the taste of things which I would never allow myself to enjoy.

12:30 pm – I finally give in and have my second Ziploc portion of Cheerios and a bottle of h20 for lunch.

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5:49 pm – I rush out of the office to bike to my counseling session. It is now almost 6 o’clock and I have eaten a grand total of 200 calories.

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Most people would be starving and ready to gnaw their arm off, but my body rarely feels true hunger. Although my mind knows it should be hungry, the feeling rarely translates and communicates that thought to my stomach. I have learned to manage hunger to a point where it simply no longer exists.

7:40 pm – I’m home and dinner is served.

Every night I eat the exact. same. thing.

My “appetizer” is a can of Progresso Light Vegetable & Noodle Soup.

VegNoodle

It’s 60 calories per serving and each can has 2 servings. I always add a ½ cup of water to the soup so that it appears to be more food. I also add red pepper flakes for a little extra uumph. It’s pretty bland (especially after being watered down) so I do my best to jazz it up.

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My “entrée” consists of a La Tortilla Factory Low Carb High Fiber tortilla

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with spinach, lettuce, red onion, tomato and mustard. The wraps are 80 calories a pop and with the minimal amount of veggies I add I’d say this baby clocks in at about 120 calories. It is actually really deeeeelicous and the thing I look forward to most in my day.

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Coach and I eat together every single night. We share stories from our day, talk about the latest news and just enjoy one another’s company. He doesn’t criticize what I am eating, or force his opinions on me.

We are finally working together on acknowledging my poor choices and his positive reinforcement is life-saving.

Coach always whips up some fantastic concoction with chicken, roasted red potatoes, green beans and carrots. Some nights I make him his favorite homemade garlic bread … tonight it was cheesy breadsticks.

One of my favorite pastimes is indeed cooking and baking for Coach. In fact I enjoy cooking and baking for everyone but myself.

I am obsessed with food and have begun collecting cookbooks. My DVR is fully recorded episodes of Barefoot Contessa, Diners Drive In’s and Dives, Man vs. Food and Everyday Italian. I LOVE food. Just not the consumption of it.

9:00 pm – It is finally time for DESSERT J

My Cheerio fest continues … I am pretty sure I keep General Mills in business with my 3 servings a day.

Coach and I always joke about how fabulous my cholesterol must be … too bad my blood pressure is terrible and my hair is falling out

Since it is dessert, I indulge and sprinkle my cheerios with 2 packets of Splenda and a dash or two of cinnamon.

Life’s little pleasures right!?

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(A few weeks ago I began “indulging” in 1 sugar free 15 calorie Popsicle right before bed, but have since omitted them from my diet. It makes me happy to know that I managed to cut the extra 15 calories out.)

10:00 pm – Coach is responsible for Duke’s evening bathroom trip, and as he heads out the door I scurry in to the bedroom to crank out 100 crunches. We used to spend an hour at the gym together each day and for some reason now, I hate to have him catch me mid crunch session.

10:20 pm – I finally crawl in to bed, tallying up my caloric total for the day (around 800-900 calories consumed, and 300 calories burned from my walk/bike rides).

My mind calms races with negative thoughts as I try to fall asleep …

… I fade into dreamland in hopes of escaping the jail my mind and body is locked in …

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